We’ve all been at various disastrous dinner parties when guests stray from the guidelines of avoiding the topics of religion, politics, sex, and finances. We can remember misogynistic or off-color jokes, or those who decide at your dinner party to tell some truths!

It is hard to know how people will behave, but it is made easier with thoughtful seating plans. The known narcissist and the know-it-all might not be best together, but the guest likely to have endless stories of ailments might be well placed next to a guest wishing to limit those organ recitals! The itemizing of recent travel can also prove tedious.

Of note: the discussion here is not whether to have seating plans, but considerations in establishing the plan, because a “pull your name out of a hat” or “plonk yourselves anywhere” usually plays out less well.

If arriving at a fancy dinner party in London or any city with embassies or consulates, it is often observed that staff greeting one may indicate by means of perhaps a small hand-held chalkboard the actual seating plan of the dinner. What this does is prevent one pouring one’s best witticisms or bon mots to someone over aperitifs, only to find one is seated beside that same individual at dinner. This chalkboard idea is so very sensible and considerate of guests.

Armed with the available historic guidelines for seating — host and hostess at the ends of the table, the most important guest on the hostess’s right, and so forth — and the desire to alternate genders, one realizes that some guidelines have to be abandoned. For example, only for rectangular tables of 6 or 10 can one achieve alternating genders with host and hostess at head and foot. Tables of 8 or 12 must abandon at least one guideline. And so adapting the conventions to the situation and the particular guest constellation is the usual result.

Indeed, there is good reason to abandon all the traditional guidelines entirely and focus more on the suitability of actual people being seated together.

In today’s world, with guests of all ages, marital statuses, partnerships, and walks of life, the seating arrangements invariably mean some men being seated together and some women seated together.

It is quite good to form the plan imagining guests conversing with one another on either side as well as across the table.

This question evokes strong responses for and against. Whilst not a scientific study, it seems that in Europe, Britain, Australia, and Canada, overwhelmingly couples are separated. Since it is assumed that couples do talk when not at the dinner party, seating couples together cuts down 50% of the available people with whom to talk — unless, of course, the couple is there to compile the grocery list.

With plenty of exceptions, the notion that in the USA couples prefer to be seated together is nonetheless borne out in practice.

More common in many cultures is the sometimes exclusion in dinner parties of the single woman, to an extent not seen for single men. Oh dear!

Place cards can be hand written or written on erasable items. Tented cards can be printed on computer. It is helpful if large type is used, and it is very thoughtful to print front and back so that guests can read place cards from opposite.

For the success of the dinner party to be spirited and not merely convivial, it seems prudent to evaluate the guests for listening ability, boldness, and the interviewer type — as well as the “Oh my goodness, I’ve been talking about me all the time, now why don’t you talk about me?” type.

Best of course to be the guest who can be placed anywhere — by being interested and interesting.